Friday, April 29, 2011

When life gives you pears...

I don't really know where I was going with that title. If life gave me a pair of pears they would probably not be friends. In fact they would absolutley hate each other. I would just have to sit back and watch them try to kill each other. Which would be pretty awesome cause if you have ever seen a violent fruit its pretty spectacular. Actually what would probably happen (because I am listening to 'My Love' by Sia which is a sad song) is that one pear would realize he secretly loved the other one and kill himself because she hates him. Then when he was dead and in a friut salad she would be sad because she secretly loved him too and then she would throw herself into the garbage desposal. We don't actualy have a garbage desposal. Or pears. Holy freak I am tired.

I think the guy pear would make an alliance with the stawberries which would make it especially poignant when they are chopped up and put together in a fruit salad. Oh and one of the stawberries was secretly in love with the guy pear, but her husband was very nice and she wanted to be faithful to him because he was begining to grow a mold spot and she wanted his last days to be pleasant. The ironic thing is that for the fruit in the kitchen, any day could be thier last day it just depends on the whims of the people living there. What a precarious situation. It would  cause one to wonder why the pears ever pretended to be mad at each other if they could have been seperated without warning. This is reflective of our society because even though we could all be taken from this life in an instant we still don't always care for each other. I am so smart.

The bananas would be neutral. They sit pretty out of the way anyway. if we had a cantalope of honeydew she would be very wise and be able to tell the other fruits really wise things about what to do. Except here is the kicker: she is eaten a piece at a time and so everytime part of her is cut off she grows weaker and less wise and eventually she starts telling everyone to do crazy stuff like throw themselves into non-existant garbage desposals.

The apples would be double agents and try to help both sides. they would come to blame themselves for the suicidal pears. In the end, however, everyone ends up in one big bowl of fruit salad for someone to eat. The fruits would give people life and nutirents. Would it matter what their life was like if they serve their purpose of being eaten? Do they even know that they are here solely for our consumption? What a tragic fate for the ignorant and pre-destined fruits. This would make an epic movie. Or a really stupid blog post... :/

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Post-Bucket List

If you're not me, you've probably done some pretty stupid things in your lifetime.
How do I keep from doing stupid stuff? SUPER SIMPLE: I just tell myself I will do it after I die.

I figure I better not screw up this life too much, so when I have the urge to do something really stupid and/or dangerous I just let myself know that I can totally do all that stuff whenever I get reincarnated or whatever. I don't really believe in reincarnation though, so there is kindof a flaw in this logic. Whatevs, it works for me...

K mostly I just try to avoid things that I will regret... ya know things that will permenantly alter my life in a way that might not be that fun in about a week, like running away to join the circus. Or stuff that I am just plain scared to do, like swimming with sharks. Anyway, I've compiled all my Crazy ambitions into a blog post which is aptly called the Post-Bucket List

Rob a Bank- come on who wouldn't want to do this? The movies make it look really fun and exciting. If I ever become a legit robber I will blame oceans eleven

Assasinate someone really important- Also I blame the media. Or maybe I am just a crime junkee on the inside. I'll let you know.

Camp out on the Reservation- I have this thoery that the reservation really isn't scary at all and that there is just a lot of talk to keep people out of the Indian's business. I have never had the courage to try to prove this theory. Anyone up for a campout?? I'll bring pizza!

Gator Wrestling- This would be awesome. Especially if I was super skilled and could own that gator. Actually it would't be fun at all unless I owned that gator. Cause then I would be dead or something. I would probably get news coverage though.

Start an epic computer virus that wipes out the majority of the world's technology- Then I would hide in my house with my years supply of oreos, peanut butter and fruit juice and watch humanity try to survive.

Haunt something- I guess since I will be dead I totally can do this probably, even if I can't do any of this other stuff.

Go and live with wild animals- I think this happened in a movie. Like the Jungle Book or Tarzan something. I would go and be a child of the wolves and it would be epic and also I might get a book written about me. Or a Disney movie.

Become a drug lord- Money. Power. Near Death Experiences. Whats not to love about this job? Oh and You don't have to pay taxes. Hmmm maybe I shouldn't wait to do this one....

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Things that Happen

Disclaimer: this is not a funny post. I just haven't posted in a while time and after reviewing my first post ever I realized that this has become a blog where I shove my wit and humor down peoples throats. So lets get back to the whenandwhatever I want. This story may or may not be true. Names have been changed.
I was sitting in history class thinking about Cierra Burden; mainly because she had just walked in the door, and it was kinda funny that she didn’t walk in with Danny Ferolino, I was thinking, because she really liked him and I thought that he was kind of into her too and I was thinking it was strange that they had never sat together even though they were both in this class and I wondered why. She was sitting on the whole other side of the room practically, not even looking at him, which was pretty impressive because she had been after him almost all year and unless something major had happened in their relationship she should be ogling at him about now. In fact they should be sitting together. But they weren’t, and that’s kinda why I was thinking about Cierra Burden in the first place.
 She was kind of a cute girl. She was the type that didn’t like to look up at you in the hallway even if she knew you pretty well. She wore this hat sometimes that I really liked. It was one of those knitted hats, you know, kinda like a net sagging over her hair. She mighta made it herself come to think of it. But that’s why I was at all interested in Cierra and Danny; she was a quiet girl and I was pretty thrilled when I saw she had a shot with Danny Ferolino cause she certainly wasn’t the only one after him. It sure took him a while to catch on though. I would hear her talking about him and how they were going to the movies or something next weekend. I knew her roommate pretty well and so I was over there quite a lot just hanging out. She never talked to me directly, really. She was just that type.
Then in walked a very busty girl in a honey colored dress with a think beige braided belt and she made a big deal of dropping her bag right next to Danny Ferolino and sitting in the chair on his left smiling like crazy. She had this big phony, smile that really showcased her gums and I could tell Danny was not interested. By now our professor had started lecturing, but I wasn’t listening. I was too busy watching Cierra and Danny on opposite sides of the classroom. She was really trying to pay attention to the lecture and not look at Danny, but I could see her stealing a quick peek at him and that busty chick every time she looked up from her notes. She was just that type; the type that would look down at her notes practically the whole class and not look up at the teacher unless he was using a visual aid or to steal glances at a guy or something.
The busty chick was leaning in and whispering something to Danny and he unleashed a grimace that proved he wasn’t all that in to this girl at all which is weird because like I said he should have been sitting by Cierra Burden. I felt kinda bad for Cierra. I wanted to go visit her. I hadn’t been to her place in kind of a while, and I wanted her to think of me as a friend and maybe smile at me in the hallway sometime. I wanted to just walk up to her in the middle of class and ask her out for tonight. I wanted to tell her I would be at her place at say seven-thirty with a movie and a pizza, but not a very good movie so we wouldn’t have to pay attention to it the whole time and maybe just talk if we wanted to. I might even put my arm around her if I thought she wanted me to. She would have Kool-Aid made and we would drink almost the whole pitcher by the end of the night. After the movie we would talk about who we had a crush on in Junior High and make snickerdoodles and eat them in her backyard looking up at the stars and sitting in the grass and not even talking to each other. That would be my way of letting her know I was her friend even if we had never really talked and she didn’t know me as anybody other than her roommate's friend.
It was a nice thought, and I thought about it in class; you know the little details like would she want to watch the movie or talk more, and would she pick the pepperonis off her pizza and give them to me and after words would she want me to come visit her sometimes and hang out? I wanted to ask her out right then and there, but like I said, the lecture was already started and she would hate it if I caused some kind of scene asking her out, so I just sat there wondering what it would be like if we really did go on a date. Danny seemed pretty shook up by this busty chick and he would probably want to make it up to Cierra by going to her place tonight to hang out so it’s not like I really had a shot anyway. The big reason why I didn’t just ask her out on the spot is because I didn’t think I could handle her. Cierra didn’t stick up for herself. If I asked her out I would feel like I was leading her on or something. I wouldn’t be leading her on; it would be easy to do though. Cierra just wasn’t a fighter. Which is why I didn’t ask her out in the middle of history class. It was just a nice thought is all.
Class let out and I was ready to be out of there, but I didn’t really want to go home either. I thought about maybe going to the library and I was practically there when I saw newlyweds Becca and Jackson walking towards me and Becca always says hi to me when she sees me and just thinking about her smiling and saying hi to me while she held her husband’s hand just about killed me, so I turned to the left and headed home. It wasn’t until I was almost there that I remembered that we didn’t have any air conditioning yet and it had been so hot all day. I thought about going to check my mail at the post office even though I knew I didn’t have any mail. It would give me a place to go for thirty seconds that actually had cold air and it would give me an excuse for going to my house the back way. I didn’t think I could handle opening up my front door and feeling the hot, stiff air, but going through the back it should be a lot easier to deal with. I don’t know why but things seem to work out like that.
 I was practically through the back door when I remembered that someone had just cleaned the kitchen spotless and thinking about opening up the back door on that spotless kitchen just made me so upset. I couldn’t even tell you why, but I did it. I plowed through anyway, snatched my laptop up from my room and logged on. I could hear the sounds of anime and video games coming from the room across from me. It seemed like all the kids in that room ever did was watch anime and play video games. I couldn’t ever bring myself to go in there even though it was a part of the same house. It seemed like all kinds of people that don’t even live here are going in and out of that room without even knocking and I can’t even bring myself to knock on the door. Not that I would want to. I don’t really like anime or video games.

UPDATE: The next time we had class Ceirra and Danny were sitting together. I thought you might need some closure.

Monday, April 11, 2011

How to Make Everyone Fall in Love with you and get a Kazillion Compliments

If you want everyone to legitly love you and praise you to the roof I've got some Ridiculously good tips that will make you the object of everyone's affection. IT TOTALLY WORKS!! I've pretty much mastered the process and now everybody loves me like crazy.

1. Find a way to perform on stage in front of all your friends. Let them know all about it and beg them to come. They will totally go if they are real friends, even if they think it will be terrible.

2. Be super awkward in real life. That way when you get on stage and can act somewhat less awkward, people will be all 'Whoa! How does he do that?' Cuz Everyone knows that being on a stage will automatically up someones awkward level by twenty percent. Unless you are legit.

3. Sing a song that a lot of people know and like. People will not expect you to live up to their expectations, but you have to perform it almost halfway decent.

4. sing just barely out of key like the whole time. Pretend you can't hear the piano all that well. and Make wierd faces every once in a while to let everyone know that you are suffering along with them and that singing this badly is even more painful than listening to someone sing this badly. This gets you sympathy points.

5. Instead of trying to act competent on stage go totally CRAZY!! Act like someone you would be afriad of in a dark alley. The stage makes stuff like that look cool. Also People will not expect that, especially if you are dressed up fancy-like.

6. You must wear a sparkley tie. This is not optional. It will make your performance 23 times better and you will get more compliments on your tie than on your singing.

7. Your voice must crack on at least 3 high notes (to prove that you are trying really hard) and 1 not high note (This is a real kicker and makes everyone fall in love with your voice).

8. DO NOT take a drink for at least an hour and a half before the performance. Your voice must be raspy and gross sounding.

9. Also don't go to the bathroom any time before you sing. If you look like you have to go potty it'll be cooler.

10. Afterwords people are totally going to compliment you. Just ignore them, or say you did a bad job. Then people will become even more infatuated with you and persist in complimenting you even more.

11. You must blog about it and invite all your facebook friends to read it. Then they will post all kinds of complimental comments.

My theory on the Weather

Umm so suddenly it got all cold and windy this week.... Here's why:
Some evil genius decided to send the entire Earth back in time so he built a device that would send the Earth flying into the past (hence the wind) but we only got as far as last winter (hence the cold)

He was trying to take over the world or something but he pretty much failed. Just made everyone freaking upset by tricking us all into wearing shorts on the one day that there is freezing cold wind and rain and making us all walk home from work without a jacket....

or maybe that was just me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

It's a Wonderful Life

So I am having one of those moments where you wonder: what would the world be like without me? Ever since that fabulous movie that everyone decided is all about Christmas and was a step in the over-commercialization of that holiday came out, it's been an interesting topic of inner conversation for many people. Or at least me....

I mean its not like this is something you can really talk to your buddies about. It would be pretty awkward. Not to mention nobody thinks about what the world would be like without other people. just themselves. And mega celebraties. Like Walt Disney, or Dr. Seuss, or Lady Gaga.

So I was hoping that by now some guardian angel would show me what things would be like if I had never been born, but since that is not the case I am going to have to speculate and you are going to have to enjoy it. It'll be enlightening probably. Or super boring. Whatevs.

So here we get to the good part:
Without me life would suck.

Welp that just about covers it.

But since that probably isn't very satisfying I will go into detail:
1. You would not be reading this. Unless somehow I was able to prject my nonexistant self into a coputer and you somehow stubled upon it, but that sounds too much like what would happen in an early twenty-first century movie in which the mysterious blog suddenly begins spouting out information about something to change the course of history like the end of the world or the unexpected bankrupcy of McDonald's.

2. Barak Obama would not be president. He would instead be supreme ruler of the world. I have spent countless hours of service keeping him from allowing the power-hungry-tyrant side of him from gaining control. Your Welcome.

3. American Idol would not even be on the air anymore. I pretty much single-handedly kept that show somewhat popular during the hard times. Also I voted at least a thousand times per season and its all my fault that Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks are where they are now.

4. Umm I don't know. You would probably have to have a psychiatrist or something because you would feel this horrible void in your life and you wouldn't be able to figure out whats missing. And quite possibly I am the only thing that is keeping you sane. Probably.

So yup. Pretty grim picture of life without me. Oh and did I mention the angry and purposeless mob that would roam the streets and commit random acts of violence? There would be one of those too. 

Monday, April 4, 2011

Life would be SO much Easier if Homework Forgot to Exist

This statement is true. I would just have to go to class and maybe take tests. I mean really homework actually is just like a test except outside of class and not timed and you can cheat share answers and you can use notes. But other than that exactly the same.

So this is what my night would have looked like tonight if it weren't for homework:
Best Night EVER!

Yeah. Catcher in the Rye, Sobe, and Oreo cakesters (they are amazing! they taste super good and really gross at the same time). Really, what else could you ask for? A girlfriend NOTHING!   AT ALL!!

Can you tell I am trying to put off my homework? Its pretty impressive how much I can get done when I have something to do that I really don't want to do. and by 'get done' I mean stay on facebook without getting messaged by someone I don't actually want to talk to and g2g-ing out of there.

The only thing keeping me going is Haley Reinhart singing "Bennie and the Jets" Its phenom:
Holy Freaking goodness I love it so much. I hope my roommates don't mind as I listen to this 200 time in a row while  I write my 1250 word essay on Shakespeare.

Have some sympathy. We've all been there: night before an assignment is due and you think "yeah right that is not even a big deal i can whip it together in all of five seconds because I am gangster like that" but no because Microsoft Word emits this light that totally shuts off your brain and sends you subliminal messages to go the heck back online and waste your life away. That's why its so hard to concertrate when you write a paper. Its real. I read it online.

I've been writing this post for maybe six minutes and I already have more content on here than I do on my essay I have been hacking at for an hour.....

: (

So this has been my FAILED attempt to make my 5-page essay dissapear by spending another 10 minutes online. Maybe if I check facebook again...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Blogging is hard ok?

I have started maybe four blog posts today and they were all HORRIBLE and GROTESQUE and all other bad things. I will try to fix 'em up and post 'em because some of them were potentially funny. I think today I have just been half dead today. What I really want right now Is: Ice cream, a bubble bath, and a marathon of the best of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

 Instead I just now decided to give you some vids to watch. you probably won't and I don't really expect you to, but If i give you something to do it makes me feel a little better about myself.

This video is the greatest thing ever because It combines my two favorite youtube sensations. Everyone fall in love right now.

This is just Sam.
And this is just Chirstina.
and this is some chillins dancing to Regina Spektor.
And this is my favorite song of all time ever. Its is actually really catchy. and everyone should stop bashing because it is not her fault that her parents bought her a lame music video.

And this is a FAILED post.