Monday, March 28, 2011

My Ongoing Battle With the Microwave

So my microwave hates the human race. Mostly it just hates me and decided that I am a good representation of my species. Every time I walk into my kitchen it is sitting there laughing at me because it knows that virtually every college student in the world would starve to death without microwavable meals. It knows how important it is in my life. Oh microwave, I hate you.

At least its a mutual feeling. It would be way worse if I really loved my microwave and wrote it cute little songs on the ukulele and it turned my food into firey bricks of death anyway.

No, we hate each other which is really not fair because I never gave my microwave any reason to hate me. Whatever, its too late for that now...

So yeah, we hate each other and totally fight to the death every other day. MY MICROWAVE WON'T COOK MY FOOD!!!!! I have given up on all things pot-pie. Other things are do-able, it just takes some know-how.
Burritos: Do-able but only if cut up into fourths and rotated every fifteen seconds.

Chef Boyardee: Do-able but only if cooked for four and a half minutes stirring every thirty seconds and letting cool for five more minutes.

Hot Pockets: No hope

See what I have to put up with??!?! The microwave wins most of the 'food cooking' battles, but I win most of the 'physical stregnth' battles. And i totally win all of the 'verbal abuse' battles, but I'm pretty sure while i am screaming degrading comments at my microwave it is secretly throwing heaps of radiation at me...

Maybe I'll throw it off a cliff.

Or just cook everything stovetop.

Nope, definatly the cliff.


I AM NOT AFRIAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

K so now that I have like seven followers I have a message for you:
I am not afraid of you.

I am not going to feel pressure everytime I post because I am wondering if I sound stupid or if you wish you had never started following this blog or if global warming is real and Al Gore actually deserved that Nobel prize. I am NOT freaking out and feeling insecure about things.

For Real.

Also I am not going to spend hours planning a blog post to just to entertain y'all. This blog is for me, so stop harassing me about how funny it is or how much you are entertained by it or how i better post something really good that makes you totally LOL or else I will get a suckerpunch to the self-esteem or how if i post by tuesday you will make me chocolate chip muffins. (Actually I am always open to good food so feel free to mention that last one.)

Um yeah. i'm so cool and not intimidated.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I like to pretend I control the World

It  doesn't always work out like I want it to. Here's a good example: At my house we have birds in a cage that like to make more noise than the rest of the world combined. So if ever i get tired of it I just walk up to thier cage and say in my Commanding Voice, "Stop It''

I am pretty intimidating, but i guess the birds don't know that or something cause they never stop sqauking. I alsto try to command the weather to fit my fancy. Oh and stoplights. Usually I end up looking like an idiot. But a legit idiot because of my Commanding Voice.

Sometimes this whole forgetting-I-am-not-in-charge-of-the-world thing gets me into some sticky situations. Like sometimes at three in the morning I pretend to make time go backwards ao that it is really only ten at night and i can stay up for a few more hours. The funny thing is that when i wake up in the morning it still feels like i only had like one hour of sleep. Wierd.

Also Sometimes if I do something stupid I mentally go back and fix the situation. If I act like a total idiot in front of a girl I just pretend it never happened and that she totally has the hots for me. Which causes for some interesting conversations.

This happened the other day. It went something like this:

CUTE GIRL: Hi Chad. We haven't hung out lately. Wanna have dinner at my place?

ME: Yeah.  Did you know that the square root of pi is 1.7724538....?

CUTE GIRL: Oh hey I forgot I'm Hindu and don't believe in dinner. Maybe some other time or something.

ME: Oh thats ok i don't really like dinner anyway. Also sometimes I talk to inanimate objects and tell them what to do.

CUTE GIRL runs away.

This did not work out as planned. What the heck? That square root of pi line totally worked in Twilight!! (Which we all know is the paragon of the perfect relationship and should be regarded as such) At this point I rewind the whole thing and do it over again Like this:


ME: the square root of pi is totally 1.7724538.

CUTE GIRL: OMG you know the squre root of pi? Thats so hot!

ME: Well I don't know all of it. Its never ending you know.

CUTE GIRL: Just like our love.

Then we would skip the date and go straight to the kissing part.

Also sometimes I make up entire situations/scenarios in my mind that don't exist in real life.

CUTE GIRL 2: Hi Chad

ME: Hi CUTE GIRL 2. You know what i was just thinking about? That one time when I gave you a piggy-back ride to this secret special meadow and told you that I wanted to suck your blood and you thought that was cute and then I sang Justin Bieber songs to you while I glittered in the sun and you told me my abs were hotter than Taylor Lautner's. remeber that day?

CUTE GIRL 2: .....   You know what? that might have been my non-existant sister that I am making up to let you know that I am so out of your league but I am trying to let you down easy anyway.

ME: Oh, yeah maybe. You know what? I have a non-existant sister too. Gosh, we have a lot in common. Maybe we should hang out. I know of this secret special meadow....

CUTE GIRL 2 runs away

So yeah.
That's pretty much how things go down in my life.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Fulipping Whitacre

remeber those youtube vids that I value over you?
Well Ima put some on here. Actually just three.
That are all Eric Whitacre songs.
I LOVE his music.
It just like speaks to my soul or something
Your don't have to watch any of them,
But they are all totally legit!

Here a boy sings Lux Aurumque. The middle part was changed to a segment from Whictiacre's show Paradise Lost.
After he stops singing he sneezes a lot and pleads for recognition
So you should probably skip that part
its annoying.
This is the afore mentioned segment of Paradise Lost in that other vid. Except this is legiter cuz it has a techno beat.
Which was intentional.
This is a remix of the Eighties song 'voices carry' by Til Tuesday.
It is so amazing I cannot even tell you.

K your lives are enriched. Be greatful.

Laziness: Its a disease.

I have been so tired all day. And its only 10. Somebody shoot me. (Not 4 realz ya'll. I'm not suicidal.) But if you feel at all concerned feel free to stop by and bring me peanut butter cookies and gift certificates to book stores.

My bed has been my BFF since about one o'clock this morning and when I had to leave it for class at seven in the morning my bed was very distraught and threatened to leave me. Which was saddening because I didn't want to be seperated from my bed either. It took a flipping act of congress to get me out of bed today.
That's how it started.

I was totally determined to ditch my english class at eight, but I guess my feet didn't get the memo because just as the clock tower was ringing 8 they were walking me over to my class. I thought maybe it was meant to be or something, but yeah right, because that was the lamest class of all time ever. i was falling asleep the whole time and I felt like the living dead.

So as not to carry this baggage all day I am ditching my next class which I probably would have really liked. Because today everything is just out of whack. Also I feel about as active as a sack of flour. Maybe I can pretend to be really sick........

I just need to sit on a couch all day watching Buffy the vampire Slayer and eating ice cream. Good Plan.

ItS jUsT oNe Of ThOsE dAyS...........sdf;lkjvkndsjoerw,mvvd ljfdsoiwenmss oirewkjfds kjsnbvoiwe98 ndfjsdokfds,vxkl ,fsdjcxjfs anmjeweoi32 jsdfiosdf kjgcxbnadsoi yn eikdemz, mklpod,, . l .,l sdapfjwe.

That was code. Figure it out and it will lead you to riches and whatever.


Sorry readers and fans, All 5 of you. I have been infused with an overdose of writer's block. K actually mostly my life has been all lets-become-a-crazy-GANGSTA-whirlwind-of-busy/unimportant-but-some-important-things. So I haven't been ignoring you. I've just been paying more attention to less important things. Like reading in trees. And youtube. and OHMYGOSH MARIOPAINT. things like that.
don't be offended.
K fine be offended, but I don't need you anyway. I'm totally lying to you. I totes need you. We complete each other or something. Why don't we meet up for dinner tomorrow I will pay, but only if its Chinese.

Holy Goodness I need sleep.

Just now in my head i decided to make a list of things I want right now. Right Now.

1. A water slide. Complete with fun and laughter. but nobody can use it except by way of special invitation.

2. Ice cream. Legit ice cream. With nuts and whipped creme. But nothing else. not even a cherry because I'm not gonna go with the flow on this one.

3. Snapple Juice. And more than just the strawberry-kiwi kind you can get at superstop. I'm talking legit Snaple fruit punch which seems to have dissapeared from the face of the earth. The company must have probably all been bought out by a mega billionare who lives on a desert island with nothing but crates of Smapple, because all of his wealth has made him crazy and he can't handle society but no one can critisize him because they want to be on his good side in case he leaves them in his will.

4. A hanging bed. There is probably a legit word for this, but its a bed that hangs from the ceiling like a hammock but a mattress. also it should have curtains around it or something.

5. My own tv show. Probably a reality TV show so i could be all dramatic and super annoying and still be cool. AlsoProbably I would be on magazine covers like the teen moms.

6. Some really legit chips and slasa. That's all you need. I'm pretty sure the Beatles wrote a song about this.

Wow that was a really random post proving that yeah right I don't have writers block, i am just lazy. Whoops. Sorry. Don't be dissaponted or i might have to have an awkward argument with you again. and that would just be embarassing.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The World According to Chad

Right now I am being sung to by a buncha gorgeous voices in my living room. My roommate got together a whole group of people just to sing to me. That is an untruth. But sitting in my room trying to write my english midterm I like to pretend that people care enough to assemble entire choirs to entertain me.

Wouldn't that be the greatest? I would be all 'hey instant choir that is only here to serve me, I can't go to sleep, whip out a lullabye for me.' Then they would because really who doesn't love to serve me? Also I am very influential and a great example to everyone so I totally deserve whatever praise/service/lovin/cookies you want to gift wrap and deliver to me when I am feeling blue. That's also an untruth ,but something I like to pretend. I wish my fantasy life was legit.

If my fantasy-ness people would stop me in the streets and be all 'wow you inspire me. I read your blog and cried for joy. Here's a passion fruit smoothie.' Then I would bee all 'oh thank you. come to my poetry reading on thursday at the little cafe being built in my honor.' also I'm pretty sure my teachers would all be like 'chad you do not even haveta worry about homework. You are above that. Here is a certificate of awesome.'

Other things that would happen: Various companies would get me to represent them and be my sponsors. (Think Hershey's, Ghirradeli, Cheesecake Factory, Olive Garden, Taco Bell, Snapple, Jelly Belly, Dairy Queen, and other foods) They would Give me free foods and I would be in their commercials and stuff. Plus I would get on celebrity talk shows. I'm not sure why.

Most Importantly: my microwave would not be evil or hate me or try to kill me daily. And the birds in my apartment would not act like they are possesed. They especially act up when the microwave is on.....coincidence? I think not.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

What's Hot and What's Not: Everything You Need to Know

So I know pretty much all there is to know about pop culture. It's all run by this one guy who gets paid to determine which things are 'cool' and which are not. Then its everyone else's job to make whatever is 'cool' a big deal by talking it up and advertising it and stuff.

When I grow up I am going to be that guy, which is why I am hard at work studying pop culture by watching music videos on Youtube instead of doing my homework. Which is going to help me out most in the long run? Don't answer that.

SO anyway here's what I did for my faithful readers out there: I made you a list of what is 'in' and what is 'out' in pop culture.... and random other things I thought might be appropriate. I have divided this list into catagories to make it even more convienient. Aren't I the best blogger ever?

Also don't get all upset if you don't like my professional opinion. This list is shifting alllll the time. Your favs will be in in no time. Unless you have bad taste, which you might.

P.S. I started out thinking that this post was gonna be all funny and stuff, but then I realized that I am toatlly a genius and I made some really valid points. So yeah, this post is kindof a nothing. Anyway...

Here We Go!


Lady GaGa and Britney Spears just released their new singles at the exact same time. This has been the biggest controversy since Kanye West slammed Taylor Swift at the VMA. If you don't have an opinion get one. Preferably, get mine. Here's how its going down:
OUT- Lady GaGa's 'Born This Way'
Seriously GaGa? I'm a fan but this song was not even good.
IN- Britney Spears' 'Hold it Against Me'
I haven't been digging Spears lately, but this song totally rocks. Soo much better than Born this Way.

So in today's music world, everyone is totally looking for the nest big thing. Who's about to blow us all away with something totally new and cool?
OUT- Katy Perry.
Yeah she's great, but she has had her time. Her latest album will soon be old news. And then she will make a comeback. And then she will be old news again.
IN- Ke$ha.
Believe it. She is about to make a wicked comeback. You should start memorizing her songs because everyone is going to be all over them pretty soon. And you are going to look like an idiot when you say you haven't even seen her latest music video.


Speaking of music, music in TV has become all the rage or something.
OUT- Glee.
Glee was 'the next big thing' last season. Now they are struggling to keep audience interest. Not to mention that good music cannot justify the glorified high school drama all over the screen. I could do a whole section on who is out and who is in in the Glee cast, but it would be a waste of my time.
IN- American Idol  
Yup. Although it was totally out last season, there are all kinds of unique and crazy talented people this year that it is going to be awesome. There is definatley a very different and distinctinve tone this year that is going to revolutionize the music industry. So you better start watching right now.

OUT- Pretty much anything that won an Oscar
After 'Avatar' pretty much revolutionized the movie industry, people are still pretty unsure about what a 'good movie' is anymore. the Oscar people were totally confused and went with whatever was 'safe' and 'practical' instead of looking for the next big thing.
IN- The Classics
Nobody knows where the movie industry is going so decide for yourself. Get together with some friends who have Netflix and watch all those movies you've always heard about but never really seen. It will be way cool and a lot more satisfying than throwing yourself into a movie industry that is still defining itself.

Food and Drink:

K this one doesn't really have so much to do with pop culture, but it is always on my mind. Also my predictions about what is about to be cool are so right. People are starting to make subtle, healthy choices. Food isn't jut about feuling your body, its becoming an event to be enjoyed whether by yourself or with a slew of friends. Don't grab a pop tart on the go. Take some time out, Sit down, and enjoy your food. Cause thats what everyone eill be doing soon.
Out- Breakfast
Nobody really wants a bowl of cold cereal at seven in the morning.
IN- Brunch!
Think late breakfast with an elaborate menu. Way more appealing. Try fresh fruit, eggs, hashbrowns, toast, yogurt and granola.

OUT- Soda and energy drinks
These things are so bad for you, and unless you are trying to pull an all nighter, you don't need any of that stuff in your system. Plus I'm pretty sure most soda companies use animal testing which is totally cruel.
IN- Fruit Juices
Legit Fruit Juices include Naked, Snapple, and Simply Orange. These and other juice bottles will be in every celebs hand in the coming weeks.

OUT- Fast Food
I don't think I have to explain this one.
IN- Sit down resturants
You know, that little cafe on the corner or the Chinese place down the street. Try to avoid chains and instead go to those little resturants that make your city unique. you might be surprised how fun and tasty trying something new can be.

hey everyone I'm sorry that you probably hated this. I almost hated it. But eh, whatevs/ You can just play witht the fish in my fish tank and be happy.