So Insomnia would Not be all that cool

When I was younger last before last night I had this crazy notion that having insomnia would be all that, but apparently not because I have bee up since three in the morning and the past four hours have been full of death and mental decay and heavy reflection on the end of the world. Its that bad you guys.

I think the reason I thought being an insomniac is because some really great and monumental people had insomnia. The only one that comes to mind right now is Edward Cullen. And according to last months Enquirer John Travolta. He even had an emtional breakdown about it in the middle of an interview. Feel free to support him by joining the John Travolta Insomnia Awareness Group on Facebook.

But really Stephanie Meyer made the whole 'insomnia' thing really attractive in the Twilight Saga. I mean instead of having to sleep for half of the day, Edward got to stay up all night writing songs for his true love, admiring his collection of graduation caps, and not owning a bed. Plus he was a vamplire That basically sounds like the life. I feel so duped. This is probably how people feel after they watch funny Budwieser commercials and then decide to go get drunk and wake up the next morning in prsion for DUI. Prison is nothing like a Budwieser commercial. And insomnia is nothing like Twilight.

So here is how it happened: I was all headache-y and junk last night so I took a nap at five-thirty-ish and forgot to wake up and ended up sleeping for forever until three in the morning. Then I got up to get a drink and the world was all BAM you are no longer tired.

So I booted up the netflix and watched an episode of "Thats So Raven" (How totally Jr. High am I?) but that got old pretty fast so I thought sleep might be a good idea. But apparently The Powers That Be did not agree with me. So I pulled out the old recipie book and whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies while listening to a cd from former roomate Daniel and pretending I was back in college again. But I wasn't as my mother reminded me when she woke up and found me dancing to Regina Spektor in the kitchen. Also if it was college I wouldn't have fallen asleep until three in the morning anyway. So this whole post would not have existed.

Then I watched the sun rise and walked through the dew-y grass and enjoyed nature for a few seconds. I wanted to write a song for my true love, but my piano masterpiece would've woken up the whole world, plus no stuck-up, insanely weel read, fairly annoying burnettes who are physically incapable of closing thier mouths have come into my life lately so that idea was out the window. So I started a book. I really wanted to go somewhere but everything is the world shuts down at nine around here and if my parents woke up to the sound of their son driving away in thier car without telling them that would be bad news. So I justen showered and changed clothes and worked out and created/listened to a new playlist and checked up on my youtube subscriptions and wrote a blogpost and it is not even seven-thirty yet.

Insomnia would probably be a lot cooler if I lived off of blood.

Remember when my blog was the coolest thing ever for a couple of seconds?

So I have determined that there is only a limited amount of funny to go around, and for some reason the fates have taken all my funny and given it to someone else. Or something. Maybe I wasn't worthy. Or maybe they like to mock me. Or maybe they are saving up for someone who is outragiously funny and makes everyone laugh everytime they open thier mouths. Like Ellen DeGeneres. Or Jim Gaffigan. Or Al Gore. If this is the case I may be willing to sacrifice being funny for the rest of my life. I really don't have anything else to offer the world though.

Maybe I can be an example of what not to do. You know how on TV shows like the aptly named 'What Not To Wear' people are presented to society as the epitome of bad? Their clothes are analized by professionials because those people are I guess just that bad at fashion. That's going to be me.

Someday someone will come across my scores of journals in which I have recorded everyday of my existance and decide that everyone needs to hear my story. And be the opposite of me. because no one should have to suffer my crippling social awkwardness and my inability to do menial tasks. Like phone calls. Or ordering food at a fast food place. Once my awkwardness at a drive through casued three oil rigs to explode in Alaska. Or maybe that was global warming. ha ha, Good one Al Gore.

So where was I going with this?  I think I was trying to relive my glory days. Or convince myself that this blog was at one time worth it. Or try to get you to not regret following it. Or just to make fun of Al Gore. That one never gets old :)

Hope this is worth reading.

I find that some of my best posts happen when I just start typing with no goal in mind. This will be one of those.

Jamming to Britney Spears. And thinking about things. like why am I suddenly not funny. I am such a failure at  life. Bleh. Well I guess  I will keep saying things anyway. Even though they are stupid. And the girl I want to date is in a relationship. And I can't date her anyway because I am going on a mission in no time flat. I would mention her name but if she read this it would be really awkward. I'm pretty sure we are supposed to get married though. She doesn't know yet. Or that I exist probably.

Also I am at home tonight for the one millionth time in a row. That is what I miss about college: being able to hang out with people. I haven't done that since a long time ago. I hope you all feel very sorry for me. I just need to lose myself in a choclate oblivion

OH OH OH OH!!!!! My new obsession: The Voice on NBC. It's like the next American Idol. BUt nothing is better than American Idol. heres a clip:

Well it looks like I'm alone again

I am home alone again for a few days sue to my family is on a trip and left me here to work. yay.

Its interesting the things I learn about myself whilst home alone. For example I do not eat. Like at all. Its kinda sad. Also I think that there is nothing to do but internet. Which is NOT TRUE.

Its not all bad though. I am going to join them tomorrow by driving to Pheonix and getting on a plane by myself!! I'm terrified!! :D

i am so terribly klutzy and awkward that something is bound to go terribly wrong. Not like life-threatening wrong, more like I-will-always-remeber-how-stupid-and-embarrassed-I-feel-right-now wrong.

I want to say that No one will be safe at sky harbor airport once I step in, but that sounds really threatening and would probably get me arrested if any airport personel were to read it.

K lets put it into perspective: i have been on a plane only once in my life, and that was sixth grade for the sea camp trip. My parents weren't there, but we were heavily guarded by chaperones. Even then I found a way to embarass myself by throwing up all over everything. Which is bad. If you throw up in an airport, people pretend to feel bad for you but underneath they are really saying 'I can't belive this kid throwing up everywhere and making us pretend to feel bad. Lets glare at him when he is not looking.' The event is probably on youtube. Actually on second thought it probably isn't on youtube because youtube wasn't invented yet. If I throw up tomorrow you can bet your lucky stars that I will be trending within 24 hours.

Also I am terrified of terrorists. With the serious security at airports there must be dozens of 'em trying to blow things up like everyday. What am I supposed to do if I am confronted by a terrorist? I don't even know. Probably hunt him down and shoot him but not release the photos online and shrowd the event in mystery. Thats what my president would want. Or twitter about it.

Also (and this is a little embarassing)  I have only driven down to the valley once. And it was last week. What if I forget that I am driving and crash into a tree? It could happen. Or what if I pick up a hichhiker who also happens to be a terrorist? Or a Zombie? And what do I do if the air port is not where y GPS tells me it is? And what if I run out of gas on the rez? There is so much to worry about.

And don't even get me started on the layovers...

(Hey ya''ll sorry that this post is stupid. You probably hate me. I am just not on top of my game. But I feel the need to post this mediocre crap anyway. I blame cucumbers.)

RIP Friday

As you all should know, the sensational hit song "friday" by Rebecca Black has been removed from Youtube. I guess her parents got in a fight with Ark Music company and thought it would be best to remove the vid til after it was resolved. Or possibly forever. I really hope not though.I love "Friday"

My heart goes out to Rebecca. She was enjoying her 15 minutes of fame and all of a sudden no one can see her video. Mostly my heart goes out to me as I may never see that wonderful music video again. I hope to see more from the very talented Rebecca Black soon. You have forever changed me. With or without the video I will always be getting down on Friday in my heart. <3

Work Part 2

So here is how things have gone with work so far:

All the People In Charge of Me got together on my first day and said: This Chad kid is new. Let's make him a stacker because that job takes little skill and concentration.

The next day the People In Charge of Me got together and said: Well Chad is a horrible stacker. Let's make him a packer as that job requires even less skill and concentration.

A few days later the People in Charge of Me got together and said: Wow Chad cannot even hadle packing. I know! Lets let him work with the De-stacker which requires lots of skills and concentration and involves operating dangerous equipment!

I fail to see the logic.

So I worked with the De-Stacker today (actually a few days ago but we will pretend, a'ight?). and that things is pretty crazy. I was trained in the ways of the destacker by Bryan who realized right away that I was pretty helpless at this job and wasted very little time explaining things to me. He did teach me a new skill however and it is called MOVING CARTS. Mostly it involves moving these carts. The carts happen to be full of crates which happen to be full of cucumbers which is appropriate as this is a cucumber factory place-thing.

So I was getting really good at moving these carts and hooking them up to the destacker when suddenly Bryan told me that I HAVE TO DO CERTAIN COLORED CARTS AT CERTAIN TIMES!! Instantly MOVING CARTS got a whole lot harder. The good part is that there was a lot of down time between each cart so I got to work on another skill: PACING. Pacing helped me concentrate while I tried to figure out which color of cart came next.

If any of the People In Charge of Me came to check up on me I would stop pacing and instead use the Stand & Nod technique in which I observe the De-Stacker and pretend that everything is going to plan even if it wasn't. Which was often.

See these empty crates come from somewhere and go into the De-Stacker, and if they are crooked or sideways when they go in then the whole world explodes.Which is bad. So this one time I was using the Stand & Nod tecnique because one of the People in Charge of Me (Abel? Fredrick? Tony? I don't even know) was dangerously close. Suddenly TonAbelFredricky started yelling like the world was going to end and sure enough one of the crates was ON ITS SIDE so I had to switch the machine to manual and fix the problem. Which is really complicated because it involves unlabeled buttons. One of them was a self-desruct button I am pretty sure and so the whole world would have ended anyway if I had puched it. But no. I was amazing and saved everything.

The next day I was back to Packing.

Hlkjfsadioewnmxvzkjfsd

Things are totally ffreaking out. Or something.
I got a job. So thats cool or something.
 LEt me tell you about it:

DISCLAIMER: I do not hate my job as much as I am about to pretend i do.

K I work at a Cucumber plant. And yesterday was my very first day of work ever and I was all "YAY I am going to get there like twenty minutes early so that I will look soo prefresional!"! So I got to work and this boss lady was all: "do you have your Paperwork?" and then I remembered that fat stack of papers that I had thrown on my bookcase and not filled out after I was offered the job. I wanted to say "Yes. just not with me" but I  was too shocked to feel witty. SO I just ran home and got them and filled them out while my Wonderful mother drove me back to work and I ended up like twenty minutes late.

When I got back all the newbies were in the conference room watching Ultra Cheezy videos about discrimination and other things that are completely unrelated to cucumbers. Then boss lady left us alone with nothing to do for like half an hour and it was really awkward. Then she send us on break for another half an hour. Then someone was Really Flagrantly late so we got to watch the discrimination videos all over again!! Then we did nothing and a half (Which is more than nothing) For like ever.

Finally we went out to the cucumber packhouse. Where I was all excited to learn NEW SKILLS!!! Which is really cool cause they help you out in real life. Oh and the packhouse reminded me of Mr. Roger's Nieghborhood because they go visit factories and see where things are made. Like Crayons and Cucumbers. So my trainer took thirty seconds to teach me how to stack boxes of cucumbers. Then he told me that I know everything I need to know to work here for a year. So much for life skills. Later someone took twenty seconds to teach me how to pack cucumbers into the boxes. It involved counting to twelve.

So after doing all that for like five hours I got to go home and get ready for graduation. I couldn't help but find it totally hilarious that I was losing my freedom the same day all these cute little seniors were getting thiers. Thank you real world.
Also all I had on my agenda for graduation night was a game of Risk with my mom (Which did not even happen, P.S.)

So at least this weekend I have a family reunion right? Except oh no the real world wants to rob me of that too. Yeah I work all weekend : ( My family left me a cute and sincere note though. Oh and the whole house to myself,. And a car. I can pretend I am in college all over again. But instead of friends I now have a car. I'm moving up.

So today I we got off before one o'clock WHICH DOES NOT HAPPEN EVER. So I am going to spend the rest of the day Screaming 'The Lazy Song' by Bruno Mars and Eating delictables. Except I kindof just got my wisdom teeth out and still can't eat anything hard or open my mouth hardly. So that plan might be out the window...

My parents did leave me with some money so next on the agenda: $20 SHOPPING SPREE!!!!!!!
Somebody save me.

The things I have Learned in College

I am now officially out of college forever (meaning for two years). So I am totes going to give you all the advice in the world. I am so generous and kindly.

Here is what you will/have learned in college if you are me:

• Never ever loan anything to anybody ever.

I don't know why, but suddenly when you get to college are of your friends are not responsible with anything but their own belongings, and sometimes not even that, so don't trust anybody to give you back anything you lent them. You really cannot trust ANYONE. I once lent something to my roommate and when he moved out he took it with him. I had to break into his house and steal it back while he was away.
How to avoid this: Demand collateral! If someone wants to borrow your fav movie tell them 'only if i can borrow the shirt off of your back.' If they are willing then they totally deserve the movie.
The good side: You now have an easy way to get rid of all your not-so-hipster clothing.

• Yes, you can function on three hours of sleep.

Not very well though. Don't plan on taking any kind of coherent notes before 11am. If you want to be cool and defy the system, throw a breakfast party at seven in the morning. No one will show up, but you will feel really cool.

• For once the world really does revolve around you.

You don't gotta do nothin for nobody. (except maybe homework but that doesn't count) Live it up while you can. Note the word 'once'. Also this gives you permission to get your drama queen/king on. Be all that about your roommate troubles and pretend that your problems are the only ones in the world. In fact feel free to make up horrible things to complain about like:
 I have 52 1/2 credits,
the whole world hates me. I saw it on Yahoo news,
my significant other doesn't spend enough time thinking about me,
you are dumb,
my teachers are failing me on purpose,
and
my rommates are really aliens come to eat my brain.

• Gossip is unnavoidable.

K we are a bunch of young adults. The only thing keeping us from going all Lord of the Flies on each other is by coming up with non-violent ways to hate on our peers. I have spend good long nights talkin up a storm about other people. This is probably because the college I went to was actually just a two year extention on high school. It is totally fun though.
Tip: instead of making up rumors about others, come up with some gossip worthy aciton yourself (Think 'Easy A')

• Food now means anything canned, boxed, dehydrated, instant or ramen-ized.

You can't really ramen-ize something. But is sounded cool. Don't try and make any real food in college. Its funner to see how long you can last without fresh anything. Try having a ramen-a-thon with your friends by seeing who can last the longest eating nothing but ramen noodles. When people come to visit, offer them very simple meals that are 'real'. like fruit salad. Or boxed meals with a twist like Macaroni and Cheese and Spam. People will be amazed by your cooking skills. Really.

• Mooching is absolutely ok.

You will feel bad at first, but if anybody offers you thier last little debbie snack you better be all over that. Its thier loss you know. also it helps their karma because they are doing something nice for you. They don't even have to offer. I got to the point where I would go to pretty much any friends house and get a meal out of it. It's ok. you are totally poor probably, so why not live off of other poor people's stuff. Consider it a way for you to get others to help the less fortunate (meaning you). Also mooching rides is a must if you are vehicle-less.

• Get Good Grades

HA! Gotcha!

Wha's hapenin' yo

So lately there has been this thing called finals where you risk 50% of your grade on one test. It's a lot like the lightning round in Jepordy. Most people totally freak out about this stuff and run around screaming about how the whole world will end if they don't memorize everything ever. For me finals are just another thing for me to put on my Things-to-completely-forget-about-and/or-ignore list along with the birds, global warming, and the stalker chick who lives two blocks down.

Dear my parents who are reading this: that last part was a joke i am really focusing on my academics cuz why else would i go to college right?

Yeah. k. So I actually kinda care about finals. Yesterday was crazy stuff cause I was all: Finals week is Super Easy cuza we have no classes and just like a couple of tests. But no, yesterday was a whirlwind of crazy. Some unknown force possesed me and made me sign up to work the Monday morning of finals week from 7 to 9. So I woke up thinking 'why did I even do thid to myself?' I have finals at 7 am on Wednesday and Thursday so yeah early morning work on Monday = not a good idea.



This is a waterfall to break the monotony of my complaining =D

 Then later that self-same Monday this on kind who I don't even know the last name of was texting me and was all oh yeah by the way our final is in 45 minutes. and it WAS and I freaked out. The End.

Also i had another other final and vocal juries which is where you sing at people and they tell you if you passed the singing class.

Today was a little different. I had ZERO FINALS


Picture of an Eye

 I woke up at late o'clock and chill-ed and watched like so many episodes of the Twilight zone!! anyway wow I am a horrible blogger.
I losing it folks

Another Random Post when I am Supposed to be doing Homework

So yeah. I have another HUGE-MUNGO Essay due tomorrow. While I was watching American Idol I thought 'I will never have to write another essay for two whole years. Thats kinda sad.' then this halleluia chorus went off in my head and I was offered cotton candy and my own indoor pool by Jennifer Aniston. Also I think I got a pet elephant. Then I realized that I still had to write the thing and everything went bad and the cotton candy was rock hard and the pool was filled with gravy (which is pretty cool but really impractical) and Jennifer Aniston had horrble breath. That's basically nwhat went through my head.

When I stopped zoning out I saw this:

Haley Reinhart My FAV Contestant totally hit it out of the park. Sha-Bam! It was the best thing quite possibly ever.

Except this funny commercial!!

BAHAHAHAHA!!! I'S LAUGHING SO HARD!!

When life gives you pears...

I don't really know where I was going with that title. If life gave me a pair of pears they would probably not be friends. In fact they would absolutley hate each other. I would just have to sit back and watch them try to kill each other. Which would be pretty awesome cause if you have ever seen a violent fruit its pretty spectacular. Actually what would probably happen (because I am listening to 'My Love' by Sia which is a sad song) is that one pear would realize he secretly loved the other one and kill himself because she hates him. Then when he was dead and in a friut salad she would be sad because she secretly loved him too and then she would throw herself into the garbage desposal. We don't actualy have a garbage desposal. Or pears. Holy freak I am tired.

I think the guy pear would make an alliance with the stawberries which would make it especially poignant when they are chopped up and put together in a fruit salad. Oh and one of the stawberries was secretly in love with the guy pear, but her husband was very nice and she wanted to be faithful to him because he was begining to grow a mold spot and she wanted his last days to be pleasant. The ironic thing is that for the fruit in the kitchen, any day could be thier last day it just depends on the whims of the people living there. What a precarious situation. It would  cause one to wonder why the pears ever pretended to be mad at each other if they could have been seperated without warning. This is reflective of our society because even though we could all be taken from this life in an instant we still don't always care for each other. I am so smart.

The bananas would be neutral. They sit pretty out of the way anyway. if we had a cantalope of honeydew she would be very wise and be able to tell the other fruits really wise things about what to do. Except here is the kicker: she is eaten a piece at a time and so everytime part of her is cut off she grows weaker and less wise and eventually she starts telling everyone to do crazy stuff like throw themselves into non-existant garbage desposals.

The apples would be double agents and try to help both sides. they would come to blame themselves for the suicidal pears. In the end, however, everyone ends up in one big bowl of fruit salad for someone to eat. The fruits would give people life and nutirents. Would it matter what their life was like if they serve their purpose of being eaten? Do they even know that they are here solely for our consumption? What a tragic fate for the ignorant and pre-destined fruits. This would make an epic movie. Or a really stupid blog post... :/

My Post-Bucket List

If you're not me, you've probably done some pretty stupid things in your lifetime.
How do I keep from doing stupid stuff? SUPER SIMPLE: I just tell myself I will do it after I die.

I figure I better not screw up this life too much, so when I have the urge to do something really stupid and/or dangerous I just let myself know that I can totally do all that stuff whenever I get reincarnated or whatever. I don't really believe in reincarnation though, so there is kindof a flaw in this logic. Whatevs, it works for me...

K mostly I just try to avoid things that I will regret... ya know things that will permenantly alter my life in a way that might not be that fun in about a week, like running away to join the circus. Or stuff that I am just plain scared to do, like swimming with sharks. Anyway, I've compiled all my Crazy ambitions into a blog post which is aptly called the Post-Bucket List

Rob a Bank- come on who wouldn't want to do this? The movies make it look really fun and exciting. If I ever become a legit robber I will blame oceans eleven

Assasinate someone really important- Also I blame the media. Or maybe I am just a crime junkee on the inside. I'll let you know.

Camp out on the Reservation- I have this thoery that the reservation really isn't scary at all and that there is just a lot of talk to keep people out of the Indian's business. I have never had the courage to try to prove this theory. Anyone up for a campout?? I'll bring pizza!

Gator Wrestling- This would be awesome. Especially if I was super skilled and could own that gator. Actually it would't be fun at all unless I owned that gator. Cause then I would be dead or something. I would probably get news coverage though.

Start an epic computer virus that wipes out the majority of the world's technology- Then I would hide in my house with my years supply of oreos, peanut butter and fruit juice and watch humanity try to survive.

Haunt something- I guess since I will be dead I totally can do this probably, even if I can't do any of this other stuff.

Go and live with wild animals- I think this happened in a movie. Like the Jungle Book or Tarzan something. I would go and be a child of the wolves and it would be epic and also I might get a book written about me. Or a Disney movie.

Become a drug lord- Money. Power. Near Death Experiences. Whats not to love about this job? Oh and You don't have to pay taxes. Hmmm maybe I shouldn't wait to do this one....

Things that Happen

Disclaimer: this is not a funny post. I just haven't posted in a while time and after reviewing my first post ever I realized that this has become a blog where I shove my wit and humor down peoples throats. So lets get back to the whenandwhatever I want. This story may or may not be true. Names have been changed.

I was sitting in history class thinking about Cierra Burden; mainly because she had just walked in the door, and it was kinda funny that she didn’t walk in with Danny Ferolino, I was thinking, because she really liked him and I thought that he was kind of into her too and I was thinking it was strange that they had never sat together even though they were both in this class and I wondered why. She was sitting on the whole other side of the room practically, not even looking at him, which was pretty impressive because she had been after him almost all year and unless something major had happened in their relationship she should be ogling at him about now. In fact they should be sitting together. But they weren’t, and that’s kinda why I was thinking about Cierra Burden in the first place.

 She was kind of a cute girl. She was the type that didn’t like to look up at you in the hallway even if she knew you pretty well. She wore this hat sometimes that I really liked. It was one of those knitted hats, you know, kinda like a net sagging over her hair. She mighta made it herself come to think of it. But that’s why I was at all interested in Cierra and Danny; she was a quiet girl and I was pretty thrilled when I saw she had a shot with Danny Ferolino cause she certainly wasn’t the only one after him. It sure took him a while to catch on though. I would hear her talking about him and how they were going to the movies or something next weekend. I knew her roommate pretty well and so I was over there quite a lot just hanging out. She never talked to me directly, really. She was just that type.

Then in walked a very busty girl in a honey colored dress with a think beige braided belt and she made a big deal of dropping her bag right next to Danny Ferolino and sitting in the chair on his left smiling like crazy. She had this big phony, smile that really showcased her gums and I could tell Danny was not interested. By now our professor had started lecturing, but I wasn’t listening. I was too busy watching Cierra and Danny on opposite sides of the classroom. She was really trying to pay attention to the lecture and not look at Danny, but I could see her stealing a quick peek at him and that busty chick every time she looked up from her notes. She was just that type; the type that would look down at her notes practically the whole class and not look up at the teacher unless he was using a visual aid or to steal glances at a guy or something.

The busty chick was leaning in and whispering something to Danny and he unleashed a grimace that proved he wasn’t all that in to this girl at all which is weird because like I said he should have been sitting by Cierra Burden. I felt kinda bad for Cierra. I wanted to go visit her. I hadn’t been to her place in kind of a while, and I wanted her to think of me as a friend and maybe smile at me in the hallway sometime. I wanted to just walk up to her in the middle of class and ask her out for tonight. I wanted to tell her I would be at her place at say seven-thirty with a movie and a pizza, but not a very good movie so we wouldn’t have to pay attention to it the whole time and maybe just talk if we wanted to. I might even put my arm around her if I thought she wanted me to. She would have Kool-Aid made and we would drink almost the whole pitcher by the end of the night. After the movie we would talk about who we had a crush on in Junior High and make snickerdoodles and eat them in her backyard looking up at the stars and sitting in the grass and not even talking to each other. That would be my way of letting her know I was her friend even if we had never really talked and she didn’t know me as anybody other than her roommate's friend.

It was a nice thought, and I thought about it in class; you know the little details like would she want to watch the movie or talk more, and would she pick the pepperonis off her pizza and give them to me and after words would she want me to come visit her sometimes and hang out? I wanted to ask her out right then and there, but like I said, the lecture was already started and she would hate it if I caused some kind of scene asking her out, so I just sat there wondering what it would be like if we really did go on a date. Danny seemed pretty shook up by this busty chick and he would probably want to make it up to Cierra by going to her place tonight to hang out so it’s not like I really had a shot anyway. The big reason why I didn’t just ask her out on the spot is because I didn’t think I could handle her. Cierra didn’t stick up for herself. If I asked her out I would feel like I was leading her on or something. I wouldn’t be leading her on; it would be easy to do though. Cierra just wasn’t a fighter. Which is why I didn’t ask her out in the middle of history class. It was just a nice thought is all.

Class let out and I was ready to be out of there, but I didn’t really want to go home either. I thought about maybe going to the library and I was practically there when I saw newlyweds Becca and Jackson walking towards me and Becca always says hi to me when she sees me and just thinking about her smiling and saying hi to me while she held her husband’s hand just about killed me, so I turned to the left and headed home. It wasn’t until I was almost there that I remembered that we didn’t have any air conditioning yet and it had been so hot all day. I thought about going to check my mail at the post office even though I knew I didn’t have any mail. It would give me a place to go for thirty seconds that actually had cold air and it would give me an excuse for going to my house the back way. I didn’t think I could handle opening up my front door and feeling the hot, stiff air, but going through the back it should be a lot easier to deal with. I don’t know why but things seem to work out like that.

 I was practically through the back door when I remembered that someone had just cleaned the kitchen spotless and thinking about opening up the back door on that spotless kitchen just made me so upset. I couldn’t even tell you why, but I did it. I plowed through anyway, snatched my laptop up from my room and logged on. I could hear the sounds of anime and video games coming from the room across from me. It seemed like all the kids in that room ever did was watch anime and play video games. I couldn’t ever bring myself to go in there even though it was a part of the same house. It seemed like all kinds of people that don’t even live here are going in and out of that room without even knocking and I can’t even bring myself to knock on the door. Not that I would want to. I don’t really like anime or video games.

UPDATE: The next time we had class Ceirra and Danny were sitting together. I thought you might need some closure.

How to Make Everyone Fall in Love with you and get a Kazillion Compliments

If you want everyone to legitly love you and praise you to the roof I've got some Ridiculously good tips that will make you the object of everyone's affection. IT TOTALLY WORKS!! I've pretty much mastered the process and now everybody loves me like crazy.

1. Find a way to perform on stage in front of all your friends. Let them know all about it and beg them to come. They will totally go if they are real friends, even if they think it will be terrible.

2. Be super awkward in real life. That way when you get on stage and can act somewhat less awkward, people will be all 'Whoa! How does he do that?' Cuz Everyone knows that being on a stage will automatically up someones awkward level by twenty percent. Unless you are legit.

3. Sing a song that a lot of people know and like. People will not expect you to live up to their expectations, but you have to perform it almost halfway decent.

4. sing just barely out of key like the whole time. Pretend you can't hear the piano all that well. and Make wierd faces every once in a while to let everyone know that you are suffering along with them and that singing this badly is even more painful than listening to someone sing this badly. This gets you sympathy points.

5. Instead of trying to act competent on stage go totally CRAZY!! Act like someone you would be afriad of in a dark alley. The stage makes stuff like that look cool. Also People will not expect that, especially if you are dressed up fancy-like.

6. You must wear a sparkley tie. This is not optional. It will make your performance 23 times better and you will get more compliments on your tie than on your singing.

7. Your voice must crack on at least 3 high notes (to prove that you are trying really hard) and 1 not high note (This is a real kicker and makes everyone fall in love with your voice).

8. DO NOT take a drink for at least an hour and a half before the performance. Your voice must be raspy and gross sounding.

9. Also don't go to the bathroom any time before you sing. If you look like you have to go potty it'll be cooler.

10. Afterwords people are totally going to compliment you. Just ignore them, or say you did a bad job. Then people will become even more infatuated with you and persist in complimenting you even more.

11. You must blog about it and invite all your facebook friends to read it. Then they will post all kinds of complimental comments.

My theory on the Weather

Umm so suddenly it got all cold and windy this week.... Here's why:
Some evil genius decided to send the entire Earth back in time so he built a device that would send the Earth flying into the past (hence the wind) but we only got as far as last winter (hence the cold)

He was trying to take over the world or something but he pretty much failed. Just made everyone freaking upset by tricking us all into wearing shorts on the one day that there is freezing cold wind and rain and making us all walk home from work without a jacket....

or maybe that was just me.

It's a Wonderful Life

So I am having one of those moments where you wonder: what would the world be like without me? Ever since that fabulous movie that everyone decided is all about Christmas and was a step in the over-commercialization of that holiday came out, it's been an interesting topic of inner conversation for many people. Or at least me....

I mean its not like this is something you can really talk to your buddies about. It would be pretty awkward. Not to mention nobody thinks about what the world would be like without other people. just themselves. And mega celebraties. Like Walt Disney, or Dr. Seuss, or Lady Gaga.

So I was hoping that by now some guardian angel would show me what things would be like if I had never been born, but since that is not the case I am going to have to speculate and you are going to have to enjoy it. It'll be enlightening probably. Or super boring. Whatevs.

So here we get to the good part:
Without me life would suck.

Welp that just about covers it.

But since that probably isn't very satisfying I will go into detail:
1. You would not be reading this. Unless somehow I was able to prject my nonexistant self into a coputer and you somehow stubled upon it, but that sounds too much like what would happen in an early twenty-first century movie in which the mysterious blog suddenly begins spouting out information about something to change the course of history like the end of the world or the unexpected bankrupcy of McDonald's.

2. Barak Obama would not be president. He would instead be supreme ruler of the world. I have spent countless hours of service keeping him from allowing the power-hungry-tyrant side of him from gaining control. Your Welcome.

3. American Idol would not even be on the air anymore. I pretty much single-handedly kept that show somewhat popular during the hard times. Also I voted at least a thousand times per season and its all my fault that Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks are where they are now.

4. Umm I don't know. You would probably have to have a psychiatrist or something because you would feel this horrible void in your life and you wouldn't be able to figure out whats missing. And quite possibly I am the only thing that is keeping you sane. Probably.

So yup. Pretty grim picture of life without me. Oh and did I mention the angry and purposeless mob that would roam the streets and commit random acts of violence? There would be one of those too. 

Life would be SO much Easier if Homework Forgot to Exist

This statement is true. I would just have to go to class and maybe take tests. I mean really homework actually is just like a test except outside of class and not timed and you can cheat share answers and you can use notes. But other than that exactly the same.

So this is what my night would have looked like tonight if it weren't for homework:

Best Night EVER!

Yeah. Catcher in the Rye, Sobe, and Oreo cakesters (they are amazing! they taste super good and really gross at the same time). Really, what else could you ask for? A girlfriend NOTHING!   AT ALL!!

Can you tell I am trying to put off my homework? Its pretty impressive how much I can get done when I have something to do that I really don't want to do. and by 'get done' I mean stay on facebook without getting messaged by someone I don't actually want to talk to and g2g-ing out of there.

The only thing keeping me going is Haley Reinhart singing "Bennie and the Jets" Its phenom:

 

Holy Freaking goodness I love it so much. I hope my roommates don't mind as I listen to this 200 time in a row while  I write my 1250 word essay on Shakespeare.

 

Have some sympathy. We've all been there: night before an assignment is due and you think "yeah right that is not even a big deal i can whip it together in all of five seconds because I am gangster like that" but no because Microsoft Word emits this light that totally shuts off your brain and sends you subliminal messages to go the heck back online and waste your life away. That's why its so hard to concertrate when you write a paper. Its real. I read it online.

I've been writing this post for maybe six minutes and I already have more content on here than I do on my essay I have been hacking at for an hour.....

: (

So this has been my FAILED attempt to make my 5-page essay dissapear by spending another 10 minutes online. Maybe if I check facebook again...

Blogging is hard ok?

I have started maybe four blog posts today and they were all HORRIBLE and GROTESQUE and all other bad things. I will try to fix 'em up and post 'em because some of them were potentially funny. I think today I have just been half dead today. What I really want right now Is: Ice cream, a bubble bath, and a marathon of the best of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

 Instead I just now decided to give you some vids to watch. you probably won't and I don't really expect you to, but If i give you something to do it makes me feel a little better about myself.

This video is the greatest thing ever because It combines my two favorite youtube sensations. Everyone fall in love right now.

This is just Sam.

And this is just Chirstina.

and this is some chillins dancing to Regina Spektor.

And this is my favorite song of all time ever. Its is actually really catchy. and everyone should stop bashing because it is not her fault that her parents bought her a lame music video.

And this is a FAILED post.
XP

My Ongoing Battle With the Microwave

So my microwave hates the human race. Mostly it just hates me and decided that I am a good representation of my species. Every time I walk into my kitchen it is sitting there laughing at me because it knows that virtually every college student in the world would starve to death without microwavable meals. It knows how important it is in my life. Oh microwave, I hate you.

At least its a mutual feeling. It would be way worse if I really loved my microwave and wrote it cute little songs on the ukulele and it turned my food into firey bricks of death anyway.

No, we hate each other which is really not fair because I never gave my microwave any reason to hate me. Whatever, its too late for that now...

So yeah, we hate each other and totally fight to the death every other day. MY MICROWAVE WON'T COOK MY FOOD!!!!! I have given up on all things pot-pie. Other things are do-able, it just takes some know-how.
Exanples:
Burritos: Do-able but only if cut up into fourths and rotated every fifteen seconds.

Chef Boyardee: Do-able but only if cooked for four and a half minutes stirring every thirty seconds and letting cool for five more minutes.

Hot Pockets: No hope

See what I have to put up with??!?! The microwave wins most of the 'food cooking' battles, but I win most of the 'physical stregnth' battles. And i totally win all of the 'verbal abuse' battles, but I'm pretty sure while i am screaming degrading comments at my microwave it is secretly throwing heaps of radiation at me...

Maybe I'll throw it off a cliff.

Or just cook everything stovetop.

Nope, definatly the cliff.

X(

I AM NOT AFRIAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

K so now that I have like seven followers I have a message for you:
I am not afraid of you.

I am not going to feel pressure everytime I post because I am wondering if I sound stupid or if you wish you had never started following this blog or if global warming is real and Al Gore actually deserved that Nobel prize. I am NOT freaking out and feeling insecure about things.

For Real.

Also I am not going to spend hours planning a blog post to just to entertain y'all. This blog is for me, so stop harassing me about how funny it is or how much you are entertained by it or how i better post something really good that makes you totally LOL or else I will get a suckerpunch to the self-esteem or how if i post by tuesday you will make me chocolate chip muffins. (Actually I am always open to good food so feel free to mention that last one.)

Um yeah. i'm so cool and not intimidated.