When life gives you pears...

I don't really know where I was going with that title. If life gave me a pair of pears they would probably not be friends. In fact they would absolutley hate each other. I would just have to sit back and watch them try to kill each other. Which would be pretty awesome cause if you have ever seen a violent fruit its pretty spectacular. Actually what would probably happen (because I am listening to 'My Love' by Sia which is a sad song) is that one pear would realize he secretly loved the other one and kill himself because she hates him. Then when he was dead and in a friut salad she would be sad because she secretly loved him too and then she would throw herself into the garbage desposal. We don't actualy have a garbage desposal. Or pears. Holy freak I am tired.

I think the guy pear would make an alliance with the stawberries which would make it especially poignant when they are chopped up and put together in a fruit salad. Oh and one of the stawberries was secretly in love with the guy pear, but her husband was very nice and she wanted to be faithful to him because he was begining to grow a mold spot and she wanted his last days to be pleasant. The ironic thing is that for the fruit in the kitchen, any day could be thier last day it just depends on the whims of the people living there. What a precarious situation. It would  cause one to wonder why the pears ever pretended to be mad at each other if they could have been seperated without warning. This is reflective of our society because even though we could all be taken from this life in an instant we still don't always care for each other. I am so smart.

The bananas would be neutral. They sit pretty out of the way anyway. if we had a cantalope of honeydew she would be very wise and be able to tell the other fruits really wise things about what to do. Except here is the kicker: she is eaten a piece at a time and so everytime part of her is cut off she grows weaker and less wise and eventually she starts telling everyone to do crazy stuff like throw themselves into non-existant garbage desposals.

The apples would be double agents and try to help both sides. they would come to blame themselves for the suicidal pears. In the end, however, everyone ends up in one big bowl of fruit salad for someone to eat. The fruits would give people life and nutirents. Would it matter what their life was like if they serve their purpose of being eaten? Do they even know that they are here solely for our consumption? What a tragic fate for the ignorant and pre-destined fruits. This would make an epic movie. Or a really stupid blog post... :/

My Ongoing Battle With the Microwave

So my microwave hates the human race. Mostly it just hates me and decided that I am a good representation of my species. Every time I walk into my kitchen it is sitting there laughing at me because it knows that virtually every college student in the world would starve to death without microwavable meals. It knows how important it is in my life. Oh microwave, I hate you.

At least its a mutual feeling. It would be way worse if I really loved my microwave and wrote it cute little songs on the ukulele and it turned my food into firey bricks of death anyway.

No, we hate each other which is really not fair because I never gave my microwave any reason to hate me. Whatever, its too late for that now...

So yeah, we hate each other and totally fight to the death every other day. MY MICROWAVE WON'T COOK MY FOOD!!!!! I have given up on all things pot-pie. Other things are do-able, it just takes some know-how.
Exanples:
Burritos: Do-able but only if cut up into fourths and rotated every fifteen seconds.

Chef Boyardee: Do-able but only if cooked for four and a half minutes stirring every thirty seconds and letting cool for five more minutes.

Hot Pockets: No hope

See what I have to put up with??!?! The microwave wins most of the 'food cooking' battles, but I win most of the 'physical stregnth' battles. And i totally win all of the 'verbal abuse' battles, but I'm pretty sure while i am screaming degrading comments at my microwave it is secretly throwing heaps of radiation at me...

Maybe I'll throw it off a cliff.

Or just cook everything stovetop.

Nope, definatly the cliff.

X(

Laziness: Its a disease.

I have been so tired all day. And its only 10. Somebody shoot me. (Not 4 realz ya'll. I'm not suicidal.) But if you feel at all concerned feel free to stop by and bring me peanut butter cookies and gift certificates to book stores.

My bed has been my BFF since about one o'clock this morning and when I had to leave it for class at seven in the morning my bed was very distraught and threatened to leave me. Which was saddening because I didn't want to be seperated from my bed either. It took a flipping act of congress to get me out of bed today.
That's how it started.

I was totally determined to ditch my english class at eight, but I guess my feet didn't get the memo because just as the clock tower was ringing 8 they were walking me over to my class. I thought maybe it was meant to be or something, but yeah right, because that was the lamest class of all time ever. i was falling asleep the whole time and I felt like the living dead.

So as not to carry this baggage all day I am ditching my next class which I probably would have really liked. Because today everything is just out of whack. Also I feel about as active as a sack of flour. Maybe I can pretend to be really sick........

I just need to sit on a couch all day watching Buffy the vampire Slayer and eating ice cream. Good Plan.

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That was code. Figure it out and it will lead you to riches and whatever.

A big fat 'What's What?' to the Universe

Dear Universe,

So things are not working out so much. You should probably fix that cuz it isn't my fault. I have a list of coplaints that better be taken care of pronto. I know I did this last week, but none of them were even addressed since then and if I take our conflict public you might start to take things seriously.

1. I WANNA CAR REALLY BAD!!!!! 4 Realz. I have to beg rides to everywhere. I'm not even going to ask you for some superfancy car that would be hard to get ahold of. Just as long as it gets 50 miles to the gallon and has a jacuzzi in back. Oh and a sun roof.

2. Hey umm I really need food. Like I could die without it. Except Ramen and I are so over. So you better hook me up with some serious gormet meals that also happen to be free. Maybe a professional chef could accidently back into my car (which you haven't given me yet) and feel like he has to make it up to me. I dunno. Just come up with something or you will have my death on your concience forever.

3. I feel like the living dead every day due to there are not enough hours of night. If I could get more than two hours of sleep everynight that would be pretty cool. Actually lets make it at least eight, just to be safe. And I still want to go to bed at three in the morning every night. Set aside world peace and work on this. In fact world peace would probably follow if everyone just got more sleep. Or you can just turn me into a vampire. That'd work too.

4. So remember how now that I am outta high school learning things costs money? And now that I am no longer mooching off of my parents I have to pay for things like 'rent'? And now that I have a credit card I have turned everysingleday into an online shopping spree? This means I am kindof lacking in the money department. So give me next weeks lotto numbers. Or I could inherit a fortune. Or discover oil. Get With It Universe! I'm doing half the work for you by coming up with brilliant ways to get me rich. Your Welcome.

5. I haven't gone on any celeb dates lately. In fact Taylor Swift hasn't returned any of my e-mails. In fact I don't even have her e-mail address. So get on that. Please. Pretty please. See, I'm nice to you.

Other than that things are pretty good. I can't complain about everything. I found an orange pen and it makes taking notes in class about 34 times funner. Also I got to vent in Delsy's car about STUPID PEOPLE that make me want to punch things. Also also I get to hang out every night with the funnest people ever. So yeah. You're doing an OK job I guess.

Weekend Of Death!!! X(

Thanks a lot weekend, I was all pumpped for you and then you got all mean and blew up on me and threw me in the acid rain with chunks of once-good-weekend all over my sad little body.

Yeah it was that bad.

I'M SICK!!! coughcoughGunkchoughHackchoughhghhgnkghgyj This weekend was gonna be bomb. But no. I got to work on Saturday and I was all 'hey work whats crackin?' and then my throat felt like it wanted to kill the rest of me and then my boss was all 'do you need to go home?' and I said 'NocoughcoughGunkI'm totallyHackcoughWheeze Fine.   cough.

She made me go home anyway. So I was all 'fine I can still have fun. Ima facebook stalk people and watch funny videos on youtube.' but i fell asleep. ALL DAY.

Now I am all weak and sore-like and my body doesn't want to do stuff and I can't go to my uncles house for a rockin super bowl party. X(  Not happy......

Who Ordered the Cold??!?

Cold + Wind + Me =BAD!

The past few days decided to jump into a windy freezer, and all the rest of us have to suffer. I knew bad things were coming when it started to rain on my way to class yesterday. I wasn't wearing a coat for the first time in weeks because in had been warm weather for a long time. Foolish me.

Then the wind attacked like mad and I had to walk home without a coat. Today was even worse because I simply had to wear shorts. I'm not learning anything.

When I went out tonight I didn't want to wear a coat, so I walked around with a blanket. Its like I'm taunting mother nature; Yesterday I was all: 'Its not that cold! I don't even have to wear a coat!' And mother nature was all: 'Ok Imma make it even colder and windier!' And today I was all: 'Oh look I'm wearing shorts!' If this keeps up a natural disaster is looming in the very near future. At least I'll die wearing shorts.

So yeah. I think I was supposed to say something about my day. But I didn't. I felt like an idiot wandering the streets in a blanket. People probably looked at me even funnier than usual.

This is proabaly a waste of your time.

This was probably a waste of my time.

ugh.

I Lied. Houses are Nice.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I am in love! With my new potential home!! And this time it is not even an apartment, its a home. And homes are all loving and inviting and hug you when you walk in the door and offer you Ovaltine and cookies. That's the difference between an apartment and a house.

Its like I can see the ground of the abyss and there is a sunny patch with cute little flowers and bunnies and a pond with fish that are jumping merrily and there is a real live rainbow with a pot of gold and the air smells like apple pie and roses and has magical glitter in it that makes you breathe money. (Gosh, my analigies are brilliant)

Anyway thats my new (potential) house. Which I love with all my heart and I hope it will welcome me and make my life happy and harmonious.

The End

Houses are mean.

So this blog is supposed to be about my everyday I guess. I dunno what I was thinking when I named it. But I just now decided that I will try to post everyday. But no promises. And most of it will probly have nothing to do with my day. Like this one.

So here's the low down: Houses are mean. But mostly just to me. Its like they don't want me living in them or something. By houses I really mean apartments, but that title wouldn't be as cool.

So for my freshman year of college I had my housing all set and then a big gunk of life blew up in my face and suddenly I was skydiving into an abyss of you-no-longer-have-an-apartment. So I said, 'Ha! I can so do this. I'll have a new apartment by this afternoon.' It didn't work out quite like that, but pretty close.

So now I have a new apartment. But SHA-BAM! 'Hold on!' say all the little blown up pieces of life and then they blow up in my face again. And its like a re-occuring nightmare and I am skydiving sans parachute and my apartment is all. 'Hey don't mess with us. We are apartments and we are mean!'

So thats kind of where I am in life right now. But never fear! I am pretty much already not even close to having another place to live. But I have options. And as every avid dater knows, options are good. It means there is now light in the abyss and I can choose where I want to land. This is good news.

And now i am done ranting.